Tuesday, February 23

Bullet with Butterfly Wings


I could die alone and I truly might feel just like this,

almost all the way through all of me,

till the last second- but always, in some small corner,

with the suspicion that I'm not normal, that I'm lacking

some feeling that everyone else has, that I

shouldn't feel okay with being alone,

that I shouldn't equate it with being free.

Sunday, February 14

BAD ROMANCE LOL

In honor of Valentine's day and recent observations, I have some musings on romanticism.
Every romantic I have known has been neurotic and temperamental; I am one of them. Driven by moods and caprice, I act on impulses.
But the existence of romanticism is so ideological; in people, its uppermost and best form doesn't survive for long periods. While solid and steel in the fleeting second of its embodiment, romanticism wholly lacks potential for sustainability. I think that's tragic.
I once created the most thoughtful and cute good luck present for a boy I was talking to for a fast, brilliant two weeks in high school. He texted me (yeah I used to have texting.....) Thanks, that really meant a lot, etc. But I wasn't really satisfied with that. Romance wants follow up that holds to lofty standards. It almost longs for contentment and complacency alongside improvement- sounds so paradoxical. But ideally, the improvement would just naturally occur, stemming from intensely invested interest rather than dissatisfaction or a drive for change. There would be consistent action in the perfect romance, but none of it would be dramatic or deviant as far as direction of feeling. It would all be streamlined, targeted, reaching and perfect. But these are just wishes; yes, in longing for that elusive consistency/improvement combo, us romantics yearn for another world in which to live. Not a utopian community, necessarily, but rather a world, where emotions are governed by vastly different rules.
When I'm romantic, I act on whims and suddenly I have done something strong, something irrevocable, but something true. More than anything else, the actions of hopeless romantics are true. They are emotions turned outward, made thorough. They are raw expression, never premeditated, but rather simple inspiration resulting in action rather than thought.
But inspiration is not compatible with familiarity or systematics.
In the romantic's perfect, alternate world, the rules are different. We are always inspired, always in the mood to love and do lovely things, and our impulses are always appreciated by another romantic. Neither time nor place ever restrain us from realizing our visions. In pure romanticism, strength of feeling overrides the accompanying inconveniences and complexities that weigh down intention. And there is born a world where romance keeps progressing unencumbered, survives and prevails, riding into and through fleeting impulse, and then carrying on, sort of flying around like gusts of wind that move in whirlwinds and that keep circling the globe, almost instead of rotation or evolutions. Just love making the world go 'round. Haha. I liked that there. A dreamer can dream.



P.S. The picture is just Norway.....maybe I should just shut up about this and move?

Sunday, February 7

Never never Land

Tumblr style reblog picture, just this once....

I really believe in this message. I feel myself becoming less imaginative and -gasp- more practical???!!! sometimes and I cringe.
I need to spend more time around children. I need to read more and engage in more artsy crafty weirdo activities. And I need to continue listening to the conversations of the yuppies who come into Coppola's Downtown every afternoon. Every time I hear about revenue and database and clients and strategy, I retreat in my mind to the way Mushaboom used to make me feel before I had heard it 7,000 times.
And then I skip around and try to think nothing more sophisticated than "Lalalala, lalala, laaaaa".

Revisiting 4/20

I wrote:
Dreamt I made hundreds of weed cookies and brought them to school. Everyone was really stoked on it until two infants ate one each and died. LOL marijuana overdose. Don't think it would kill even a baby...I really have no idea though. Anyways, only the students knew that the cookies had been laced, so no one in charge knew how the babies had died. I felt pretty bad.


But recently I was enlightened:

In a Young Girl's Heart