Big in Every Way

lifestyle manual suckas!

where the heck am I right now.

Not here. Why?

With one long breath, caught and held in his chest,
he fought his sadness over his solitary life.
Don’t cry, you idiot!
Live or die, but don’t poison everything
- Saul Bellow, Herzog


Because I chose not to stay. I try to make a point of never complaining. If I feel dissatisfied, I can blame myself, and I do. I am where I choose to be, always. That's cliché, but it's how I learned to love my life. What is cliché even supposed to mean with its modern day negative connotation? Well-known? ....whatever.

I gave into the whole new age "positive thinking" bullshit despite how corny it is. Every time I'm feeling miserable, I remind myself that I brought myself to where I am, and that I don't have to stagnate, that I'm not trapped by anything but my own rules. If you hate life you should think differently, get hobbies or a religion/philosophy/perspective or new friends, move, learn, or kill yourself. Sorry if I am ridiculously offensive, but that is my outlook on psychology and on moods. I allow myself to be strict because I have experienced painful depths of feeling and bewildering confusion of values that I climbed out of with nothing more to help me than self-motivated change. My conflicts weren't the worst and my moods weren't the most extreme; I won't be dramatic or self-righteous about what I've overcome. But I have felt the sting of disappointment and abandonment and disillusion and I have dwelled. I have let them tear me up. Eventually I said, "This just will not do", and decided to snap out of it. My decision to be buoyant was met with no resistance nor any roadblocks. I like this definition by Albert Einstein so much: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".
In applying this definition to my circumstances, I am calling unhappiness and frustration and anxiety insane. I don't know if I believe that. I think Al really meant insanity not as in disorder, but as in craAaAzy. He meant that if you maintain the same boring, ineffective habits of action and thought , then you're crazy, because you're failing to see the obvious answer. He meant that if you want your life to change, you'd better try some new shit.

This harsh outlook is why I will no longer be taking psychology courses. Abnormal psychology absolutely killed me. The description of every disease was just that of a normal, interesting (read:troubled) human, maybe besides the schizophrenic descriptions. You control your actions, and meanwhile your inherent personality leans you towards various behaviors. Some folks have a tendency to conventional behaviors. Others have wild tendencies. Then based on your life and the stream of thought you formulate from its events, you carry through with those tendencies or not. Your actions then make you feel a certain way about yourself, which determines how you view the world. If you chose an alarming path, then it's just that. It's not bad or wrong or sick. It just doesn't sit okay with Them. As long as you so chose, so be it with you and with Them.
Look at this dumb list.

Cluster A (odd or eccentric disorders)
Paranoid personality disorder: characterized by irrational suspicions and mistrust of others.
Schizoid personality disorder: lack of interest in social relationships, seeing no point in sharing time with others, misanthropy, introspection.
Schizotypal personality disorder: characterized by odd behavior or thinking.
Cluster B (dramatic, emotional or erratic disorders)
Antisocial personality disorder: a pervasive disregard for the law and the rights of others.
Borderline personality disorder: extreme "black and white" thinking, instability in relationships, self-image, identity and behavior.
Histrionic personality disorder: pervasive attention-seeking behavior including inappropriate sexual seductiveness and shallow or exaggerated emotions.
Narcissistic personality disorder: a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.
Cluster C (anxious or fearful disorders)
Avoidant personality disorder: social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation and avoidance of social interaction.
Dependent personality disorder: pervasive psychological dependence on other people.
Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (not the same as obsessive-compulsive disorder): characterized by rigid conformity to rules, moral codes and excessive orderliness.

The faceless people described here all sound troubled to me, but they aren't insane. They're just humans who I want to meet. Humans who oughta try something new if they aren't content. Humans who should keep doing what they're doing if they are. Humans who may have a tendency to be how they are, but who arrived at their present state of being by choice.

I want people to live in my world.

I want you all to be the star, or the villain, or the sidekick or someone else complicated whose life is dramatic. I only like people who I can make into characters. If you are extremely well-rounded, likable, consistently kind, but lacking enrapturing stories, mannerisms, or physical traits, I will think you are a boring character. Maybe I secretly just want to write about everyone, and have disdain for feeling uninspired. I am such a bitch! What strange and lofty expectations of humans. Do I even fulfill them? I don't say that many cool things. I do fun things sometimes, and I don't have boring normal aspirations..but am I a character?
I want everyone to act like they are in a book. I would say or a movie, but I hate almost all movies. I feel like I try to characterize myself, too. Is this a weird, creepy problem? Or am I just trying to keep it interesting? I am probably just a silly dreamer destined for disappointment. Hmmm. Does anyone else employ this strange type of discrimination?

Maybe it comes from my upbringing. My sister and I are weirdly typecast. She is good and benevolent and driven, and I am bad and socially kind of pissed and lucky. We usually don't stray from these stereotypes... although we don't maintain them on purpose or anything. Maybe everything comes from our upbringing. MIND FREEZE LOL. I'm trying to write y'all, but you're cramping my style by not doing things that amuse me. Cmon.